You think... here we go... here is the beginning of another relationship. I know on the surface I tell myself that I will give it my all, but nothing can smother that feeling inside saying, you know you'll never be able to give everything, because all of you is scattered between the last ones who had your heart.
It was month number one when he told me he loved me. It was like my skin was rubber and the meaning of the words bounced right off of me. I took them at face value. This guy was enamored with the idea of loving me. It was too soon. He couldn't have seriously fallen that fast. The months went on and he discussed marriage and having more kids and moving. MOVING. That struck a chord.
I had already moved. Left everything I had loved and known and worked for behind and moved to my small home town of North Platte, NE for the wrong one. It was a disaster. An abusive, unhappy, depressing disaster. NOW faced with the idea of doing that all over again sent my anxiety into full panic mode... and all of the real feelings began rushing in. He really did love me. He was serious and it was about damn time that I woke up from whatever depressed melodramatic dream world I was living in. The fear shook me alive.
I turned the idea over in my mind. Could this be the man I marry? I put forth an actual effort in the relationship and found that I really, truly did enjoy his company. He was funny, smart, articulate and very handsome. The idea of a future with him wasn't terrifying at all. It felt like I had actually picked a good one this time. It felt like coming home... But I wouldn't move.
You know someone loves you when they would put your happiness over theirs, even if it means that things would not be convenient for them. This kind, gentle man and I compromised on moving and met in the middle. We have plans. For once they are plans that we are both happy and excited about and not plans that involve me changing everything about my life to fit the mold of someone else's. My happiness has grown from a place I thought nothing good would come out of. All of the pieces of me that I have left with other people have come back to me. I am whole and with him I am home.
Your past loves don't get to control your future. They were let go for good reason & letting them back in would be damaging. You have to remember that you are whole without the acceptance of other people. They didn't fit in your life, no matter how badly they wanted you to stay in theirs. and that is OK.